BREAKING NEWS BULLETIN

For two days reports have been coming in over the wire so you may have already heard the rumors, but we are now in a position to confirm the following news release:

ERICK ALLEN HAS BEEN FOUND












That’s right, long time missing in action Mudder Erick Allen was rescued today from a still undisclosed location. Eye witnesses report seeing several Black Hawk helicopters escorting the Atwell Arsenal team member back to his family in Northern Ohio.

For those of you that haven’t been keeping up with this nationwide story, Erick Allen had been missing since December 15th when he’d last reported in via the Accountability Text Message system that he’d run “2+ miles.” And then the line went silent.

A little background on the Accountability Text Message system. The concept is a simple one. You complete a workout, you text the team. Example, Tim Russell has been lighting it up with a heavy dose of Insanity (an interval training program, Tim does not actually have a mental illness. Or so we assume...) So whenever he plows through an hour DVD, he'll fire a quick text to the group, something like “Insanity pure cardio = pure hell”. These texts keep us honest, and get us off our butts on those days when you just don't feel like giving it your all.

The sudden silence from Tough Mudder Allen, 37, was more than a little troubling. Either he was slacking on his workout and would end up being dead weight on the race course on 4/14/12… or the much more likely scenario, he’d been kidnapped by an international terrorist organization hell bent on the failure of the Atwell Arsenal along with the peace, justice, freedom, and rambunctiousness we all stand for.

A message on January 10th stating Erick had single handedly moved a 200 pound clothes washer up from his basement is now being credited to one Terry “Hulk” Hogan of Tampa, Florida. This was an honest mistake, as EA and HH bear a striking resemblance to one another.









A relieved Allen family helped Erick ease back into the rigors of a workout regime. A triumphant text went out later that night: “Dug out the old dumbbells. Arms. Shoulders. Stomach. 30 min.”

In order to ensure the terrorists did not make another attempt at apprehending their long lost teammate, the Atwell Arsenal immediately booked Allen on a flight aboard a single engine turbo-prop puddle jumper, destination “the middle of F-ing nowhere Pennsylvania”. There, EA will work-out in solitude until Seal Team Six takes care of this new matter of national security.

The Dawn of a New Era

Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls! Step right up and witness the next great feat in human endurance!

Of what do I speak? Well let me answer your question with one of my own: What do you get when you mix marathon running, the American Gladiators, 80 proof alcohol, poorly drained soils with Liquidity Indexes exceeding 1 (that’s mud for you non-engineer types), and mental illness?

Ladies and Gentlemen, you get The Tough Mudder.

How does twelve grueling miles of running through the harsh early-spring conditions of an abandoned rock quarry in the Northeast Ohio tundra sound? Too easy? Intersperse that with 30 diabolical obstacles along the way. Obstacles like 12 foot vertical wall climbs, underwater tunnels, razor wire, and high voltage. How about now? That doing anything for you?

Just who would be crazy enough to attempt such a feat? That one’s easy. The Atwell Arsenal, that’s who.

Oh, you don’t know about the Atwell Arsenal? Well you’ve come to the right place. From now until April 14th, follow the exploits and exercise routines of the team as we attack the Ohio Tough Mudder with all our might.

Watch in wonderment as mild mannered office workers transform before your very eyes into chiseled, mohawked, Spartan warriors. See the blood, the sweat, the tears, and the beers that go into the training programs. Laugh with us, cry with us, encourage us on, and cheer loudly on the day of our victory. 50% dedication, 50% adrenaline junky, and 50% crazy, adding up to 150% pure badass.

The Atwell Arsenal. We let the dogs out.