Warrior Dash Kick-off

With the Atwell Arsenal’s first Tough Mudder nearly two weeks behind us, it’s time to set our sights on the next challenge.  The Atwell Arsenal won great glory down in the South Amherst Quarries and now it’s high time you found YOUR inner awesome.

Ladies and Gentlemen, for your consideration we present the Warrior Dash

What: A 5k run through mud, mud, fire, and a dozen obstacles.

Where: Clay’s Park in beautiful North Lawrence, Ohio.  Just southwest of Akron and a mere 50 miles from Solon.

Why: To unleash your inner warrior, to taste your fight or flight reflex, to singe the hair off your legs jumping burning hay bales.

When: August 25^th and 26^th, aka much warmer weather than the Ohio Tough Mudder

Who: Your family, your friends, but mainly YOU.  Were you one of the many people who got completely sick of hearing us ramble on and on and on about the Tough Mudder?  Stop being irritated and start being irritating! 

How:  Join us!  All skill and fitness levels are welcome!  No excuses about being too weak/scrawny /out of shape/scared/old/ or <INSERT PERSONAL HANG-UP HERE>, this is something you can do! 

We have an experienced team of registered professionals (disclaimer: not health or athletic fields) ready and willing to help you make it to the finish line in one piece. 

By joining  in on the fun you can anticipate a full range of team activities, such as trail runs through the Metroparks, Volpe Hill training sessions, chigger bite awareness seminars, and alcohol consumption. 

More details to follow.  For now do some reading at www.warriordash.com .  On behalf of the entire Atwell Arsenal family, we look forward to having you out on the course with us!

Ohio/Michigan Starting Line Speech

To ensure this is preserved in the annals of history, today the Atwell Arsenal is proud to present the Tough Mudder starting line speech from our 9:00 wave.  When the outstanding MC moves to the center of the group, you can see our team to the back right of the screen ready to embark on the Ohio Tough Mudder course. 

Watch, enjoy, be moved, be inspired.

1 Day to Go - Uniform Unveiling!

Ohio Tough Mudder Team Apparel
Brought to you by Customink.com and 2011 Fashion Star champion Mitch Clifton
Take to the quarries in style with your fully customized team jersey. High visibility names and numbers will help you keep teammates in site and let spectators to pick you out of a crowd. Made of a space-age Kevlar and Teflon blend, these shirts are designed to easily shed mud and be 100% bullet proof (disclaimer: actual results may vary). Your Atwell Arsenal team jersey will have you looking and feeling foxy from the top of the highest monkey bar to the depths of the deepest quarry.
Want to keep the team spirit going even after the Tough Mudder is done? Introducing the Atwell Arsenal casual line. Get down with your bad self as you limp from the parking lot into the bar. The shirts are black to create a slimming effect, sure to mask your post-race celebration weight gain. Use the long sleeves to wipe your mouth when you don’t have the hand strength left to grip a napkin.
Available for the first time in America, it is the Atwell Arsenal’s new line of club wear. Hit the night in style in this shirt that is sure to make you the bell of the ball. Logo printing available in sequenced or with new photoreactive inks that glow under a black light. See what the buzz in Milan and Paris has been all about. Limited release available new in Soho, Orange County, and Parma. Available nationwide this May.

The Countdown!

We are three… count them… THREE days from what could be the greatest day in any of our lives (including you, the reader). The Ohio Tough Mudder, located in the famous Amherst Quarries “Sandstone Capital of the World”, kicks off this Saturday. As we count down the days in distress and anxiety, the Ohio Tough Mudder course is having the finishing touches applied. The Devil’s in the details, and in this case the details take the form of barbed wire, greased monkey bars, and bottomless quarries. It is said that while the Amherst Quarries welcome all to challenge its depths, it gives back only a select few. The Atwell Arsenal sets off for adventure/despair at 9:00 AM sharp!

With race day rapidly approaching, we have two important items that can’t wait a moment longer.

First off and most importantly, the Atwell Arsenal blog staff wish to extend a heartfelt get well soon to Pam, Matriarch of the Beaugrand clan and wife of our Commander-And-Chief Bob-O-Licious.

Her supermom powers have tested lately with an unexpected surgery, but she is now home and on the mend. Eye witnesses report that she was up at 5AM shoveling Ohio’s annual April snow storm from the driveway, and that she didn’t even need a coat. Get well soon Pam and everyone at the Atwell Arsenal looks forward to seeing you after the race! You are a SERIOUSLY Tough Mudder!

The other announcement is that Saturday marked the official release of ‘Arsenal Ale’, official beer of the Atwell Arsenal Tough Mudder team. We teamed up with The Brew Kettle to craft a beer worthy of the race. Plentiful hops to give you that extra kick to get you over any 12 foot walls in your path, dark as the blackest mud the quarries can throw at you, and sporting a high enough alcohol content to numb the pain after the Tough Mudder is complete… provided you survive.

Located in Strongsville, Ohio just off Pearl Road, The Brew Kettle is Ohio’s best brew pub and smoke house. The Atwell Arsenal recently named The Brew Kettle as their official post-race celebration location. See you there Saturday, between 1 and 2pm!

Arsenal Ale, the post-Mudder beer of choice. It’ll have you saying “Man, come get me… one.”

(legal disclaimer: The Brew Kettle is in no way affiliated nor does it condone the actions/behavior of the Atwell Arsenal. Any rebroadcast, retransmission, or accounts of the game is prohibited without the expressed written consent of Major League Baseball. Please drink responsibly.)

Go get 'em, Stella!

Good luck and God bless the Atwell Arsenal’s Toughest Mudder Stella as she gets her tonsils out today. It will all be worth it when you’re chowing down on ice cream this afternoon. We recommend Honey Hut or Mitchell's. Watch out for the Rocky Road though, it’s got chunks!

The Atwell Arsenal team would also like to extend our best wishes to the entire Allen family. Look forward to seeing you guys again after the race.

Lastly, Allison, we want to personally reassure you that we’ll keep Erick safe and injury free next Saturday in order to keep his post-race whining to a minimum.

(Stella prepped and ready. If our uniform order wasn’t already in, I think we would be getting Tiger smocks for the race)

Wanted: Saturday Ohio Tough Mudder (Luke Walton Excluded)

With only ten days until the Ohio Tough Mudder, the Atwell Arsenal is releasing an all-points bulletin.

We want you to join the Atwell Arsenal.

First, let's set the stage. A few weeks back the Atwell Arsenal managed to lure one of the season's most sought after free agents, Jenna Beaugrand, to their ranks. Part Wolverine, part Hudson Explorer, and forged on the soccer fields of Ohio, Jenna brought an impressive pedigree to a team that finally had found their ringer. Her acquisition was kept on a strictly need to know basis, a secret weapon to be unveiled at the Quarries, and her mudder profile was kept classified. Jenna's presence also brought the team's dangerously-close-to-forty average age to a much more formidable 36.5 years young. Truly the future was looking bright.

And then one week ago tragedy struck. In a freak kettle ball class training accident, Jenna's ankle buckled beneath her. The medics rushed to her aid. Jenna tried to wave them away and walk it off, but the torn tissue in her ankle would have none of it. Through grinding teeth and eyes too proud to cry, Jenna Beaugrand had no choice but to concede the 2012 Ohio Tough Mudder was out of reach.

And we find ourselves in a dilemma. Her race fee is non-refundable, leaving a poor, off-to-college Jenna down $150 before she buys her first book.

But maybe some good can come from this tragedy. You see, the Saturday Ohio Tough Mudder is now officially sold out, or as we say in the biz “all the body bags have been reserved.” If you'd been putting off signing up, you would have suddenly found yourself S.O.L. But now you can be a hero to your kids, impress your spouse, earn the accolades/looks of disbelief from your co-workers, and send a poor girl off to college with enough cash for a keg of Busch Light and the tap deposit. You can step in and take Jenna's spot. We would prefer if the participant had some history or connection to the Atwell Arsenal, but at this point beggars can't be choosers.

Please comment to this post if you'd like to step up and take the challenge!

However, there is one person we would like to officially un-invite from joining the team. Luke Walton, stay the hell away.

If you're not familiar with Luke Walton, imagine a profession basketball player with the raw athleticism of of your grandmother, the ball handling skills of the family dog, a 4” vertical leap and hands that make soccer players jealous. In other words, Luke Walton sucks.

Most athletes have to be seen in person to be appreciated. Football hits look harder, basketball players jump higher, soccer player's feet are faster live than on the television. Luke Walton is the antithesis to this idea. Don't get me wrong, I never thought he was any good, just rode his father's reputation to a basketball career. But after seeing him “run” up and down the court for his 11 minutes of action during garbage time, struggling for breath harder than he fought for the ball, I concluded we were witnessing one of two things:

Either 1) Luke Walton has severe hay-fever that this glorious early spring is really wrecking havoc on, or 2) this big bucket of shit is a professional athlete making over 5 million dollars a year yet probably couldn't run a mile in under 15 minutes, do 20 push-ups, or go a week without ice cream.

Now I know why Kobe has such an attitude. If the fruits of my labor had gotten stupid Luke Walton a ring, I'd be pissed off too.

So don't bother applying, Luke Walton. Unless you're buying the celebratory food and drinks at the Brew Kettle after the race. Then I guess we can pretend you're not a big tool.

Atwell Arsenal - Special Japan Edition

Apologies for the lack of updates everyone, and specifically in the delay of getting this story up. Most of it was written between dreams on a transcontinental flight, so the big challenge was piecing together a pile of rambling incoherent thoughts. Here goes...

With the Ohio Tough Mudder exactly 1 month away, we offer this special International Edition - Japan Tough Mudder training of the Atwell Arsenal Mudder Blog. We will return to our regularly scheduled nonsense shortly, but for now -

Our hero woke to the sound of ducks squawking from an I-Phone ringtone. 5:45. The snooze button only served to delay those damned ducks another nine minutes, but did nothing to make the torrential downpour outside slow.

In the Land of the Rising Sun, all was doused by rain.

Justin wanted nothing more than to shut that phone off and return to dreams of sake, Geisha, and Buddist driven enlightenment. But on the second to last morning of his adventure to the eastern rim of the world, he knew the time for a run was now or never. Japan Tough Mudder training couldn't be canceled by a little rain.

The hotel doorman's face spoke words that no language barrier could obstruct. His mouth said “Ohayo Goizaimas! Eh... Jogging?” but his baffled expression said “Good morning, sir! You're going running? In this weather? Ya'll Americans must be out your damn mind!”

Justin winced, accepting the question of his own sanity with a simple reply of “Ohayo. Hai. Domo arigato.” Translation, again, with additional words added for facial expressions: “Good morning. Yes. I am bat shit crazy and don't understand why I am doing this either. I will probably catch pneumonia and ruin the last days of my trip, not to mention make that 26 hour travel day back home an absolute hell. Please contact the authorities, I should be institutionalized. Thank you very much.”

With words both spoken and unsaid, Justin stepped from beneath the safety of the pavilion and into the driving rain.

“It doesn't have to be a long run” Justin told himself as he headed southeast from his hotel at the doorstep of Nijo Castle http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nijo_castle “Just two miles or so.” With all lines of communication to his teammates cut off, Justin could only hope that his own lack of Tough Mudder training diligence in the last week hadn't been reflected by the other members of the Atwell Arsenal. With no phone service and no access to the accountability text system, for all he knew they could have relapsed. Steve's traps and lats could be withering from dissuse. Jicha could be back on his 6-donuts a day diet, and Tim could be back to watching Thigh Master infomercials.

(Steve's name in Japanese, along with literal translation)

Japan, or Rappan as it is known to the Czechs, still slept. Even for this hard working culture, cars and commuters were scarce on Kyoto's rain soaked streets. Here and there a brave soul dashed from subway station to building awning. A few brave citizens faced the elements from the back of their bicycles, one hand holding umbrella against the rain and clutching handlebars with the other, dodging puddles. Every step came through gritted teeth as the rain soaked through Justin's hat, shirt, and shoes.

But then something remarkable happened. The Land of the Rising Sun lived up to its name.

At once the rain stopped and the sky lightened before Justin's eyes. The Sanjo Ohashi Bridge over the Kamogawa River, where Justin had thought originally he'd call it off for the day, came into sight. As he warmed from both sun and distance, Justin decided he would do some exploring.

He turned southeast into the historically artistic and famously mysterious Gion. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gion Narrow streets with nary a taxi or pedestrian in sight were both welcoming and suppressive. In a few hours these streets would be filled with shoppers, both tourist and local, but for now Justin had it all to himself. The stone-paved street seemed to scold him for his footsteps disturbing the silence. Red lanterns hung over sealed doorways, promoting a world of food, drink, and crafts, and within the two-storied o-chaya, 'teahouses', the Geisha slumbered.

(A street in Gion)

Justin continued south and east. Past more historic shrines, temples, and buildings, down twisting streets still damp from the overnight rain. Some structures and streets bore grand histories with their histories recorded in history books and travelers guides. Justin passed the Kennin-ji temple (oldest Buddhist temple in Kyoto), the Yasaka Pagoda, and many other sites he was likely too ignorant to recognize. Some of the most beautiful and unique buildings were simply people's homes, with family run shops and restaurants.

One particularly striking feature came while running down a side street no more than 10 feet across. Justin had to duck (true, that may not be saying much) to get under a small footbridge that connected the house on one side of the alleyway to a garden and seating area on the other. A small sign hung in the window, and Justin again pondered how anyone could live full time as illiterate. Unable to read any of the many signs, signals, and notices was probably the most frustrating part of his trip.

The road began to rise. Soon it would be time to turn around, for there was a full day of sights to be seen, food to be tasted, and history to be absorbed with his parents, brother, new sister, and friend. For now, he charged up the hill. Up and up. Justin noted how on flat streets the sidewalks were lined with smooth stones, but here on the hill rougher stones had been placed for better tread. Finally the climb ended at a great staircase and Justin looked up, stunned by the site.

(Steps and outbuildings of Kiyomizu-dera, and brother)

The gateway and pagoda that led to Kiyomizu-dera towered overhead. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kiyomizu-dera The independent Buddhist temple, originally built over 600 years before Columbus had even thought of setting sail, Kiyomizu-dera had been constructed around a waterfall and built without a single nail. It’s foundations resembled he most amazing Lincoln logs you’ve ever seen. The day before he’d visited, along with his family and several hundred tourists who'd packed the streets leading to the temple. Without the throngs of people, and the store fronts selling ice cream, hand fans, and other traditional trinkets all closed up at this early hour, Justin had not even recognized the climb up to one of Kyoto's most visited sites. A pair of happy pilgrims smiled and nodded a greeting as Justin's feet slowed to a stop, his gaze rising to the temple peaks. The sun had only just crested over the trees and hills behind the ancient temple and its vermilion gates and pagodas.

(The Kiyomizu-dera complex)

He would have stayed longer, soaking in the serenity of the moment, but a glance at his watch said he'd barely get back in time to meet the family for breakfast. Justin turned west and headed back toward the hotel. Fueled by nearly a week's worth of green tea, fresh fish, some of the best steak he'd ever eaten, and sweet bean treats, Justin flew through the quickly crowding streets. One more day's worth of adventure awaited before it was time to pack up for home, and he didn't want to be late.

Find more Run in Kyoto Prefecture

(Our hero, fooling around in Gion later that day)

Future Events And An Official Announcement

Even with race day still over 7 weeks away, some members of the team have already begun pondering what the next adventure will be. And some of our audience has started to think that maybe they’d like to jump in for the next one. So like any responsible Tough Mudder blog, we want to help encourage you to take one on.

The first event on the horizon is Cleveland Marathon weekend, May 19th and 20th. Some of you just dropped your coffee. Trust me, it's not as bad as it sounds. With races ranging from a 5k all the way up to the 26.2 mile monster, there's a challenge suited for just about everyone. Atwell Arsenal team members, if you've ever thought about running a half-marathon this would be a great reason to continue your training after the Tough Mudder and the epic celebratory feast/beer binge .

The next race on our radar is trying out a Warrior Dash. For those unacquainted, a Warrior Dash is like the Tough Mudder’s shorter, Viking-themed, little brother. More specifically it’s a 5k mud run through a dozen or so obstacles. This summer there are two chances to take it on. The first is June 2nd and 3rd about an hour southeast of Columbus. The other option is August 25th at a site halfway between Massillon and Akron, aka right in our backyard. For more info, hit their site: http://warriordash.com Please let me know if you’re thinking of signing up for either or both, and we can start hyping that branch of the Atwell Arsenal as well.

Others are thinking “Screw this road racing and short course events. If these guys can train up and do a Tough Mudder, why can’t I?”

Well you are in luck. In the distant autumn, in far away Maryland, members of the Atwell Arsenal are already after a second helping of the glory to be consumed down in the quarries. On September 8th and 9th Tough Mudder is holding a race in Frederick, Maryland . For those of you without a calendar, that's over 6 months away. You can train to do ANYTHING in 6 months. The best part is Maryland in September will almost certainly be warmer than Ohio in April. Consider that another perk. And lastly, there will be a whole team of us with Tough Mudder tips and wisdom to bestow upon the masses. You'd be stupid NOT to do it!

While discussing the prospect of attacking Maryland next, Tim Russell cited the Tough Mudder tattoo policy of “Tattoos of our logo for anyone tough enough to want one will be available for $70. Send your receipt to info@toughmudder.com and we’ll give you a free entry to a Tough Mudder of your choice in 2012. Customize it by having the event date and location put on–keep adding as you go to record all your epic Mudder adventures”, and wondered aloud if anyone else was thinking of getting inked up.

Erick quickly quipped. “Can it be temporary? Can it be a dolphin?”
After an awkward moment, the team politely requested that Erick sit the next couple of plays out.
Awkwardness and dolphins aside, please consider this post as the official announcement:

In September the Atwell Arsenal will be taking this circus on the road, to Crumland Farm in Frederick MD to take on the Maryland Tough Mudder, and we’d love to have you on the team. Apologies in advance to the entire state of Maryland.

(Note: Not Erick's tattoo.)

Meet the Mudders - Steve Conway!

At long last, it's time for the highlight of everyone's week. Say hello to Steve Conway



Name – Steve Conway
Mudder Name – Vertebrae
Known Immunities – Asbestos, Radiation, Sadness
Favorite Movie – Back Draft, Back to the Future
Ethnicity – Irish by blood, American by adoption, Tough Mudder by choice
Favorite Song – Back in Black, AC-DC
Favorite direction – Lateral. You thought it would be back, didn't you?
Favorite in car positioning: Backseat
Favorite quote: “Conway, it means big sexy in Ireland, but in the States it just means Conway”
If Steve were an amoeba, what’s the first thing he’d do: Grow a back bone
Little known fact: Steve does not give a shit about the Honey Badger. Given the chance, he’ll prove it by completely ignoring that youtube video.
Best At What Tough Mudder Obstacle: Any that don’t involve wedging his enormous lats through a confined space

Today's Mudder of the Week is a triple threat – brawn, brains, and beauty. When he's not knocking out three hours on the rowing machine, he's off on whirlwind adventures throughout Ohio and Pennsylvania looking for asbestos in people’s ceilings and contaminated oil drums in their yard.

Steve had no choice but to grow up tough. The eighth of nine children, Steve's beginnings were humble as the pie bearing the same name. His father, Seamus O'Grady McStewart Conway, arrived on Ellis Island with his small Irish Catholic family, only two mason jars of Guinness and a potato to his name. But using his Conway wits and silver Irish tongue, Seamus traveled from swap meet to swap meet across the USA, and traded his way to a comfortable life for his family.

Potato → Unsharpened pencil
Unsharpened pencil and 1 moldy Guinness → Three left shoes
Three left shoes → Two soiled cowboy hats and a Christmas tie
(editor's note: several thousand trades omitted due to word count limit)
1 Ferrari (red), 10,000 shares of Chef Boy-R-Dee stock, and 1 moldy, nearly solidified, Guinness (half drank) → House with white picket fence, college education for six kids, vocational school tuition for the other three, 1 case expired Slim Fast

Steve and his father always had a tenuous relationship. That is until Nazis kidnapped Seamus, trying to get the noted environmentalist to decode an ancient tome said to hold the key to locating the Holy Grail. Steve pursued his father's captors across the Atlantic, simultaneously battling Nazis and an ancient sect dedicated to the Grail's protection. Spoiler alert, the Nazis shoot Seamus at the gateway to the hidden temple, and Indy... er, I mean Steve Conway... has no choice but to venture inside to save his father. You'll have to Netflix it to find out how the story ends (the traitor girl dies, and you find out Steve was named after the dog).

On another adventure, while environmentalisting through an abandoned building in Cleveland's historic Egyptian quarter, Steve made a startling discovery. Scrawled into the thick black mold coating the basement were irregular yet distinctive markings. Utilizing his photographic memory, Steve memorized the hieroglyphics and their sequence. With the frequent flyer miles racked up during previous adventures, Steve caught a plane to the British Museum to visit the Rosetta Stone.

With his mastery of the ancient Greek language Steve decoded the hieroglyphics and made an amazing discovery: the secret of the pyramids' construction wasn't primitive tools, massive amounts of slave labor, or divine intervention. The true key was the immense back strength of Egypt's people. By Steve's calculations, King Tut would have been able to carry at least two – 6 ton blocks on his meaty shoulders. And like some television infomercial workout program, the hieroglyphics showed how you too could get the back strength you'd always dreamed about with clear step by step instructions.

Steve is now developing his own workout regime, P-Nile-X, based on his discovery. While he's been successful in replicating all the moves, the diet plan is proving tricky; there's just not a reliable source for the locusts, blood water, or raining frogs in the United States. Steve has recently been spotted consulting with Tony Horton -famed Beach Body trainer and P90X creator- on developing a supplement to provide these vital nutrients. Look for “Pharaoh Fuel - Conway’s Max Back Attack” meal replacement bars in stores this Fall, and look for Steve Conway at the Tough Mudder in the South Amherst Quarries on April 14th. He’ll be the one with the huge back, rocking the shake-weight between obstacles.



(Steve Conway - Sun's Out, Guns Out)

The Volpe Hill II - Revenge of Bear Creek

(The Atwell Arsenal assembles for the latest team workout. Volpe Hill hostess, Gracie, leads the team back to the starting gates)

With most of this week's creative juices being devoted to new blog posts, team videos, and race day costume ideas, The Atwell Arsenal came up short in the search for the next team workout location. So due to the fact that over half the team missed The Volpe Hill experience last week, we made the same decision Hollywood does when they're short on ideas. Make the sequel!

The Volpe Hill II – Revenge of Bear Creek





On a crisp February day, as the first flakes of a winter storm began to fall, the returning cast of Bob-O, Jicha, and Justin welcomed Horwich, Conway, and TRuss to the set. Erick had a scheduling conflict with a guacamole-themed project and could not attend, while Tiana's agent advised her to hold out until at least Part III so she could get higher billing on the marquee.

(Bob-O, posing with Horwich, Tim, and Steve. The first timers have no idea what they're in for.)

In terms of sequels, The Volpe Hill II was a complete success.
-It kept the most popular elements from the original, including: hill climbing almost to the point of puking, perilous stream crossings in icy water, and thorn bushes threatening to severe muscles and arteries alike.

-It eliminated the less popular elements. Thanks to a week without rain and Friday's below-freezing temperatures, the climbs had much better footing.

(Tim would later declare the Volpe Hill was “No friend of mine... anyone have some Neosporin”)

-Finally it improved upon certain aspects of the first. We went different route in the valley, thanks to direction from Jicha's dad, and had a longer running section. More cockle burrs meant more carnage.

(Legs cut to ribbons and lungs about to burst, Brian and Jicha share an intimate moment on the hilltop)

And just like most sequels, the ending was almost identical to the original's. Bodies strewn about the hilltop, gasping for air. High hopes of doing 4-6 laps disregarded after 3 grueling out and backs.

But this time, the recovery drinks came in a case instead of just a 6-pack.