Meet Dan
Name: Daniel “Yee-haw” Jicha
Height: 5’ 10.5443” (nearly rounds to 5’11”, but not quite)
Weight: 19 Stones
Max Bench Press: ¼ Ton
Claim to Fame: Four Time City of Bedford Pierogi Eating Champion (2004, 2007-08, 2011)
Best Suited for Which Mudder Obstacle: Turd’s Nest, or for throwing teammates over the Berlin Walls
# of Metallic Limbs: 1
Recovery Drink of Choice: Ginger Ale
Vehicle Color: Silver (grey and custom blue interior)
Favorite Meal: The Next One
If you could go on a date with any famous person, who would it be: Alexander Ovechkin
Memorable Quotes: “How does a kid from Coos Bay, with one leg longer than the other win races? All my life people have been telling me, 'You're too small Pre', 'You're not fast enough Pre', 'Give up your foolish dream Steve'. But they forgot something, I HAVE TO WIN”
How he’s going to celebrate completing the Tough Mudder: Finally get that Polish Eagle lower back tattoo
Dan grew up on the mean streets of Bedford Ohio where his fists and his wits got him out of many a jam. His blood is thick with weighlifting and football genes; genes that continually punish him via ruptured organs, torn ligaments, and shattered bones. Running laps was a necessary evil to stay fit, or a punishment for false starts.
Now that he’s taken up distance running and has been spending so much time in sissy Lakewood, he was recently heard saying he wanted to buy some tiny marathon shorts. That statement, more than any other in this farce of a profile post, is 100% true.
Dan brings to the team a confidence and swagger that could almost convince you he’s ready to run 12 miles. He is not. But he’s a veteran of multiple P90X campaigns, has swam over 1 mile in open water, and is attacking a training regime that would make an Olympian shudder. So what if that Olympian is a member of the U.S. Women’s Curling Team? She’s still an Olympian!
In his spare time Dan enjoys detailing his “whip”. Get your mind out of the gutter, apparently that's slang for “car”. In any case, his skill level remains low but as Dr. Horton is wont to say “Do your best, and forget the rest”.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Dan Jicha – Stalwart friend, brisket enthusiast, and stronger than 3 or 4 female Winter Olympians.
Meet Justin
Name: Justin Biegler
Mudder Name: Justin side of you
Weight: 190lbs (86kg)
Height: Roughly 2.5 yards
Inseam: if Justin had 4 legs he could share dress pants with the “Toys R Us” giraffe
Best suited for which Mudder Obstacle: the jogging between each obstacle
Sex: Male
Bio:
Justin is but a simple man, from a small town in Michigan he actually grew up within 100 yards of Lake Michigan. He decided it best at a young age to never learn how to swim, his swimming style can best be described as someone drowning in lead pants, even now in his early 30’s he still can be found wearing his arm floaties in the tub, his buoyant handicap led him to more land dwelling activities. Justin like any other young red blooded American decided to take interest in..... soccer, for those of you not familiar with soccer, it’s basically cross country with a kick ball. Little did he know that all that pointless running would set the foundation for his love in long, slow, endurance events. Little did we know he would try and drag the rest of us into these events too. Then like a beacon of light along comes the Tough Mudder, and when Justin gets wind of this event the rest is mudder history.
Today Justin Biegler is the Founder of the Arsenal Tough Mudder team and by far our Teams most veteran distance runner, with several Full/Half Marathons under his belt and one Iron Man he is looking to embark on a new Journey, one filled with the endurance of a half marathon and mixed with the insanity of sick and twisted obstacle course designer. He found what he is looking for in an event held all over the world, and event that not only demands everything you have, but demands that you share everything you have in order to insure team success. The Tough Mudder, no one man can finish on his own, but with the team Justin has come up with, the Arsenals are bound for success.
Fun Facts:
Did you know that Justin is so tall that on cooler summer days he has been known to actually accumulate snow on his head?
Obviously if Justin were a bird he would be an ostrich, not only for the similarity in length, but in the ability to shove his head up his own ass…..This will happen, just ask Erick about being declared Jewish.
Justin drives an Audi, but can’t tell you what it is unless he adds a thick (rich in money) German/English accent.
What Justin lacks in shortness he makes up for in height.
Nobody has ever insinuated that Justin has his head in the clouds.
He is so tall he has to stand on a chair to put on his hat.
First Name: Bob
Last Name: CLASSIFIED
Middle Name: “O”
Mudder Name: Big & Beautiful (self proclaimed)
Rank: CLASSIFIED
Small countries ruled: Most
Inventor of: Hoover Dam, hard plastics, Armor Piercing ammunition, Sharpies, the Sleeper Hold, gravity, and the cassette tape.
Favorite Music: anything David Bowie
Super Heroes that would rather be Bob: 1966 Batman and Robin
In the early 1960s, the United States government began work on a top secret program, codenamed H.E.R.C.U.L.E.S. (Human Embryo with Reinforced Circulatory, Unrivaled Leadership, and Espionage Systems)
The objective: to create a super soldier the likes of which had never been seen. One that never tired. One who could blend-in in any surrounding or setting. One that could kill a man seven ways with just his thumb.
After years of research and painstaking genetic engineering, subject Robert “Bob-O” <LAST NAME CLASSIFIED> was born. Half man, half amazing, the prototype far and away exceeded the project’s initial goals. The Pentagon immediately canceled all further work on project H.E.R.C.U.L.E.S., worried that having more than one <LAST NAME CLASSIFIED> in an American uniform could be seen as a violation of pacts outlined in the Geneva Convention.
As a 4 year old, Bob-O received his Kung Fu black belt from Master Wu in a Himalayan dojo. At 5 years he trapped his first grizzly with nothing more than 6 paperclips, 1 curly telephone cord, 3 mechanical pencils, and the neighbor’s cat. And at age 12 he became the youngest Army Ranger in history.
A series of successful black ops operations around the globe and in space won him the respect of high ranking members of the United States government. Thankfully, Bob-O was able to maintain his anonymity due to the confidential nature of his missions and never had to deal with paparazzi pressure.
In between covert operations, Bob-O served as Ronald Reagan’s personal advisor in settling all matters foreign and domestic. They became good friends and Bob-O was the first to call Reagan by his popular nickname, “The Gipper”.
<LAST NAME CLASSIFIED> is also directly responsible for the fall of Communism in Russia. 15 minutes prior to Reagan’s impassioned speech before the Berlin Wall, Bob-O made a phone call to the Kremlin where he was overheard saying “Mr. Gorbachev, open this gate! Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall… Or I’m going to burst into Moscow and rip that weird frickin’ spot thing off your head with my bare hands!”.
These days, Bob-O has gone into deep cover. His mission: economic recovery for the country through residential and commercial development, with a mix of energy initiatives for good measure. Some say he’s in Arizona building solar panels, others claim to have seen him in the wilds of the Pacific Northwest trying to find the next Starbucks to take nationwide, and conspiracy theorists claim he may be in Texas operating under the alias T. Boone Pickens. The latest rumor is that he’s commanding a new team of operatives to and through the Ohio edition of the Tough Mudder.
One thing is certain. Wherever he goes, inspired Americans and a trail of dead enemies will follow. Stay tuned!
Mudder – Timmy Russell
Meet Bob-O
First Name: Bob
Last Name: CLASSIFIED
Middle Name: “O”
Mudder Name: Big & Beautiful (self proclaimed)
Rank: CLASSIFIED
Small countries ruled: Most
Inventor of: Hoover Dam, hard plastics, Armor Piercing ammunition, Sharpies, the Sleeper Hold, gravity, and the cassette tape.
Favorite Music: anything David Bowie
Super Heroes that would rather be Bob: 1966 Batman and Robin
The objective: to create a super soldier the likes of which had never been seen. One that never tired. One who could blend-in in any surrounding or setting. One that could kill a man seven ways with just his thumb.
After years of research and painstaking genetic engineering, subject Robert “Bob-O” <LAST NAME CLASSIFIED> was born. Half man, half amazing, the prototype far and away exceeded the project’s initial goals. The Pentagon immediately canceled all further work on project H.E.R.C.U.L.E.S., worried that having more than one <LAST NAME CLASSIFIED> in an American uniform could be seen as a violation of pacts outlined in the Geneva Convention.
As a 4 year old, Bob-O received his Kung Fu black belt from Master Wu in a Himalayan dojo. At 5 years he trapped his first grizzly with nothing more than 6 paperclips, 1 curly telephone cord, 3 mechanical pencils, and the neighbor’s cat. And at age 12 he became the youngest Army Ranger in history.
A series of successful black ops operations around the globe and in space won him the respect of high ranking members of the United States government. Thankfully, Bob-O was able to maintain his anonymity due to the confidential nature of his missions and never had to deal with paparazzi pressure.
In between covert operations, Bob-O served as Ronald Reagan’s personal advisor in settling all matters foreign and domestic. They became good friends and Bob-O was the first to call Reagan by his popular nickname, “The Gipper”.
<LAST NAME CLASSIFIED> is also directly responsible for the fall of Communism in Russia. 15 minutes prior to Reagan’s impassioned speech before the Berlin Wall, Bob-O made a phone call to the Kremlin where he was overheard saying “Mr. Gorbachev, open this gate! Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall… Or I’m going to burst into Moscow and rip that weird frickin’ spot thing off your head with my bare hands!”.
These days, Bob-O has gone into deep cover. His mission: economic recovery for the country through residential and commercial development, with a mix of energy initiatives for good measure. Some say he’s in Arizona building solar panels, others claim to have seen him in the wilds of the Pacific Northwest trying to find the next Starbucks to take nationwide, and conspiracy theorists claim he may be in Texas operating under the alias T. Boone Pickens. The latest rumor is that he’s commanding a new team of operatives to and through the Ohio edition of the Tough Mudder.
One thing is certain. Wherever he goes, inspired Americans and a trail of dead enemies will follow. Stay tuned!
Meet Timmy
Mudder – Timmy Russell
Street Names –T-Russ, The Russell Mussell, Timmy
If Tim Were An Animal, What Would He Be –A koala – quiet and unassuming on the outside, but still a bear with big assed claws on the inside... and outside
Car color – Korean Silver
Favorite Music Tempo – Steady
Anticipated MVP of What Mudder Obstacle - All
Standard Bedtime – Timmy Russell does not sleep. He waits.
Known Super Powers - See below
Timmy has been known to meditate up to 8 hours every night laying down.
Timmy was actually the first name of Teddy Ruxpin. Damn commies made the manufacture call it Teddy instead.
Hypothetical situation: If Tim and your mom were hanging from a cliff, who would you save?
Answer: Tim would save you, and your mom.
“Behind steady eyes lies a dormant force. It lurks there, just below the surface, like a circling shark. Do not be lulled to carelessness and do not let your own focus fade, for when you least expect, the Quiet Storm shall strike.” – Mantra of Clan T-Russ-ahkimora , Japan, circa 1287
Today we introduce you to the Atwell Arsenal’s greatest enigma. The team’s most versatile member, he has every right to confidence and bravado, and yet remains the most restrained. The Native Americans call him “Walks In Mud Without Splashing”. You know him as Timothy M. Russell.
The Russell family descends from a long line of ancient warriors. The first to grace the history books was one Timithus Russellias, a Spartan at the famed battle of Thermopylae, popularized in the film “300”. It was here too that the famed laconic wit of the Russell family took root; when a Persian diplomat boasted of his army’s numbers by noting their archers numbered so many as to blot out the sun, Timithus famously quipped “Then we shall fight in the shade.”
For the next 2,500 years, a Russell would be at the heart of many historical conflicts, fighting side-by-side or directly against some of history’s greatest figures. The fiery red haired chief of clan McRussell served as one of William Wallace’s top lieutenants against Edward Longshanks and the English. The Roman assassin Timio poisoned Attila The Hun at his wedding feast, preventing the barbarian from further troubling Rome. Historians believe Corporal T. F. Russell’s 1877 trip to Tokyo was directly responsible not only for the westernization of Japan, but also served as the inspiration for Tom Cruise’s character in the
There, in the land of the rising sun, the Russell line underwent a transformation. Their fierce warrior heritage of the West was tempered by the Zen principles of the East, finding balance, becoming Samurai. The Samurai tenants of discipline, honor, and courage have passed down to our own Tim Russell. There is no better example than T-Russsss's chosen workout regime. T-Russ and Insanity are a juxtaposition of one another. Steady and reserved meets lighting paced terror.
When Tim's laser focus is engaged you can tell it by his accountability texts. They arrive in stoic, steady tones, painting a picture in crisp black and white.
“4.25 run .75 walk”
“upper body workout”
Frivolous, exaggerated texts about burrito eating or who bathes after workouts and who does not only serve to water down the message. The samurai of feudal Japan held a strict moral code forbidding embellishment of personal deeds, a tradition that lives on in Tim. While his co-workers never shut up about the rigors of their own workout regimes – how many days into week 6 of P90X-2 he's on (Justin), how hard running is (Jicha), and who's back looks best in dress shirts (Steve) – Tim keeps a calm that belies a power within that rivals even forces of nature.
“Wisdom is knowing what to say, yet not saying it.” - Timothy M. Russell
In the office, Tim plays the part of a valued and versatile team member. Equal parts surveyor, engineer, draftsmen, and construction manager, Tim's strengths are many and obvious. He uses his quiet and humble nature as a cloak to hide his true powers.
What powers you ask?
How about the fact that Tim is entirely water proof. Not only that, all Russell's are buoyant beyond the laws of physics. You've seen Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon where they're running across water and sword fighting standing on reeds? Tim's uncle, Jim Russell, totally did all those stunts. Obviously this ability will be of paramount importance on race day.
(Jim Russell, rollin')
Lastly, Tim has the power of foresight. That's right, he can bend time itself to see into the future. Often when you think he's quietly listening, he's actually distracted by future events, like a kid in front of the television.
Ladies and Gentlemen, Tim Russell - Samurai warrior, diligent worker, psychic friend.
Dan Engle – (chuckling) Please, Mr. Engle is my father. You may call me General.
Interviewer – Umm, ok… so in your many survey explorations, have you ever made any discoveries of note?
General Dan Engle – Let’s see. You’ve heard of Mount Rushmore, yes?
Interviewer – Are you implying that you “discovered” a man-made monument? How is that possible?
General Dan Engle – Damn left-wing media, don’t put words in my mouth. I simply asked if you have ever heard of it.
Interviewer – Understood. I apologize. The question again was have you ever made any discoveries of record?
General Dan Engle – Have you ever heard of the Grand Canyon?
Interviewer – I’m pretty sure you didn’t discover that, either.
General Dan Engle – So are you sure, or are you pretty sure? If you don’t know the facts than keep your mouth shut, soldier.
Interviewer – Ok, well congratulations on that. Your parents must be proud.
General Dan Engle – I cannot tell a lie, they are very proud. I’m a surveyor and a General, just like surveyor and General George Washington before me.
Interviewer – Moving on. I know you’re a big fan of the plumb bob. Any other devices that strike you as particularly interesting in the survey field? Do you ever use any high tech devices like GPS?
General Dan Engle – One can’t be a surveyor in this day and age without using them. However, I don’t trust technology. Give me a musket and powder horn any day over a computer and mouse.
Interviewer – Dan, it’s…
General Dan Engle – General.
Interviewer – Right. General. It’s funny you say that. Didn’t you just recently become the lead Social Media Liaison for a local, extremely entertaining and well-written, blog? Doesn’t that require a certain degree of technical savvy?
General Dan Engle – Didn’t you?
Interviewer – I’m not following. I haven’t accepted the social media…
General Dan Engle – Well than perhaps, sir, you should! You are obviously not suited for your current position.
Interviewer – I hardly think that’s appropriate…
General Dan Engle – You sir remind me of an under developed prairie dog. You’re lucky I am not something that hunts prairie dogs, otherwise I’d stuff your carcass into one of my fake canons and use your bones for shrapnel.
Interviewer – Dan you should sit down…
General Dan Engle – General!
Interviewer – What?
General Dan Engle – GENERAL!
Interviewer - …General, I would tread lightly. You know you’re no real war hero, you just play one in the field.
General Dan Engle – I grow weary of your stupidity.
Interviewer – My stupidity? You claimed to have discovered Mount Rushmore!
General Dan Engle – Yes, your stupidity. You’re so dumb you couldn’t tip the shit out of my Redwings if the instructions were written on the heel.
Interview pre-maturely concluded on account of fisticuffs.
Meet Dan Engle
Social Networking and Multi Media Team Leader
He casts a long shadow from there atop Bunker Hill. On that lonesome ridge you’ll find him in his signature neon orange shirt, Carhart overalls, muddy Redwing boots, and lush lumberjack beard. It’s Twitter’s most beloved surveyor/weekend general, Dan Engle.
Dan Engle, he’s ready for anything. Survey rod in one hand, compass in the other, a plumb bob swaying from his belt, and a six-pack of Four Lokos in the truck, that’s our Dan “Right Angle” Engle. That’s how he likes it, that’s how he rolls.
Dan spent many years studying the science of surveying. But from an early age Dan knew that to truly become a surveyor, you must become one with the outdoors. Sometimes you’ve got to get out from behind that desk, poindexter, and let your plumb bob drop!
Dan Engle’s skills are many. Dan can be anywhere in the United States and be able to tell you what state he’s in simply by looking at a map. He can tell depth to groundwater by licking the dirt. Beat that Lewis and Clark. Legend tells of his ability to tell time by the sun’s shadow, others claim he does so with an analog watch. Both very impressive.
But the most interesting thing about Dan isn’t his survey powers or his plumb bob obsession. No, what’s most fascinating about Dan Engle is his uncanny ability to lead upwards of six Revolutionary War Re-enactors into the field of battle on weekends and safely return them to their loved ones on Sunday afternoon. He may be Survey Crew Chief Dan Engle to you and I, but to his soldiers he is General Washington, crossing the Delaware River (despite the fact that we’re in Ohio), with dreams of becoming the first President of these United States.
We recently had the privilege of catching up with the Surveying Prodigy, Modern-day Revolutionary war hero, and the Atwell Arsenal’s newly appointed Team Leader of Social Networking and Media
Interviewer – Thanks for sitting down with me, Mr. Engle.
Dan Engle, he’s ready for anything. Survey rod in one hand, compass in the other, a plumb bob swaying from his belt, and a six-pack of Four Lokos in the truck, that’s our Dan “Right Angle” Engle. That’s how he likes it, that’s how he rolls.
Dan spent many years studying the science of surveying. But from an early age Dan knew that to truly become a surveyor, you must become one with the outdoors. Sometimes you’ve got to get out from behind that desk, poindexter, and let your plumb bob drop!
Dan Engle’s skills are many. Dan can be anywhere in the United States and be able to tell you what state he’s in simply by looking at a map. He can tell depth to groundwater by licking the dirt. Beat that Lewis and Clark. Legend tells of his ability to tell time by the sun’s shadow, others claim he does so with an analog watch. Both very impressive.
But the most interesting thing about Dan isn’t his survey powers or his plumb bob obsession. No, what’s most fascinating about Dan Engle is his uncanny ability to lead upwards of six Revolutionary War Re-enactors into the field of battle on weekends and safely return them to their loved ones on Sunday afternoon. He may be Survey Crew Chief Dan Engle to you and I, but to his soldiers he is General Washington, crossing the Delaware River (despite the fact that we’re in Ohio), with dreams of becoming the first President of these United States.
We recently had the privilege of catching up with the Surveying Prodigy, Modern-day Revolutionary war hero, and the Atwell Arsenal’s newly appointed Team Leader of Social Networking and Media
Interviewer – Thanks for sitting down with me, Mr. Engle.
Interview pre-maturely concluded on account of fisticuffs.
Please welcome Dan Engle!!
-
MEET THE MUDDERS - ERIC ALLEN
After profiling our laboratory bred super soldier and mind reading samurai teammates these last two weeks, it’s time we at the Atwell Arsenal blog shift gears. Today we turn our focus to a member of the team who is more of your traditional, good old fashioned American every-man. One who does not possess super strength and has never worked directly with the President of the United States. One who’s ancestry.com account has no concrete ties to Japan or Sparta. One who, as you know if you’ve been reading since the blog’s inception, is quite susceptible to kidnapping. Ladies and gentlemen – Erick Allen.
Name: Erick Allen
Nick Name: Eric Allen
Mudder Name: Clark Kent
Personality: Anxious
Ability to shout out prime numbers in rapid succession: High
Favorite cat name: Vixen
Currently blackmailing what beer distributer: Thirsty Dog Brewing Company
Anticipated MVP of What Tough Mudder Obstacle: Are there any that involve math?
Favorite Foods: Challah bread, matza ball soup, unleavened bread, bagels, pork-free products
Fun Fact: Successfully owned and operated two coin collecting shops. Sold them because “the hobby was just becoming too commercialized.”
Most memorable quote: “does it have to be a real tattoo…..can it be a dolphin” ?
Most embarrassing moment: see most memorable quote
Somewhere in Ohio a man walks unnoticed down a crowded sidewalk. He's unassuming in appearance, with dark rimmed glasses and green corduroy pants.
Suddenly a sonic boom blast echoes through the sky. In unison, the crowd gasps and ducks away from the dragon/UFO/Commi-nazi fighter jets. All but one man. With the cool, calculated grace of an experienced mohel (sounds like 'soil'), the man in glasses slices through the crowd and ducks into a phone booth. Because whatever city he's in still has those.
Mere moments later a savior bursts onto the scene, streaking across the sky after Godzilla/aliens/Facist-socialists.
“Look! Up in the sky!” shouts a buxom red-head.
“It's a bird!” a wine-o screams, stumbling into traffic.
“It's a plane!” stupidly guesses a paper boy.
No! It's... an Avian Contractor! A duck with a clipboard, hard hat, and megaphone! An extremely inside joke!
And Erick Allen! Standing next to the phone booth! Still in the corduroys. His eyes shifting around nervously, hoping no one saw him hiding.
Name: Erick Allen
Nick Name: Eric Allen
Mudder Name: Clark Kent
Personality: Anxious
Ability to shout out prime numbers in rapid succession: High
Favorite cat name: Vixen
Currently blackmailing what beer distributer: Thirsty Dog Brewing Company
Anticipated MVP of What Tough Mudder Obstacle: Are there any that involve math?
Favorite Foods: Challah bread, matza ball soup, unleavened bread, bagels, pork-free products
Fun Fact: Successfully owned and operated two coin collecting shops. Sold them because “the hobby was just becoming too commercialized.”
Most memorable quote: “does it have to be a real tattoo…..can it be a dolphin” ?
Most embarrassing moment: see most memorable quote
Somewhere in Ohio a man walks unnoticed down a crowded sidewalk. He's unassuming in appearance, with dark rimmed glasses and green corduroy pants.
Suddenly a sonic boom blast echoes through the sky. In unison, the crowd gasps and ducks away from the dragon/UFO/Commi-nazi fighter jets. All but one man. With the cool, calculated grace of an experienced mohel (sounds like 'soil'), the man in glasses slices through the crowd and ducks into a phone booth. Because whatever city he's in still has those.
Mere moments later a savior bursts onto the scene, streaking across the sky after Godzilla/aliens/Facist-socialists.
“Look! Up in the sky!” shouts a buxom red-head.
“It's a bird!” a wine-o screams, stumbling into traffic.
“It's a plane!” stupidly guesses a paper boy.
No! It's... an Avian Contractor! A duck with a clipboard, hard hat, and megaphone! An extremely inside joke!
And Erick Allen! Standing next to the phone booth! Still in the corduroys. His eyes shifting around nervously, hoping no one saw him hiding.
This is not your run of the mill super hero. Erick cannot fly. He can't leap tall buildings even in multiple bounds, and he isn't any faster than an average man. Laser vision? Nope. X-ray vision? Nope? 20/20 vision? Nope. Whether or not he’s bullet-proof is still up for debate, but it’s probably best we don’t test it.
Erick's powers are of a much more domestic nature. He is tidy, and he is prompt. Erick's car insurance premiums are as low as they've ever been thanks to his safe driving habits and having signed up for automatic bill pay. HVAC systems bend to his will. No one writes a scathing letter to the editor like Erick. Yes, the Atwell Arsenal's own EA truly embodies the “It's in the game!” slogan.
With a description of what it's like working with today's Tough Mudder of the week, here is Erick's cubemate, Daniel Reginald Jicha, in his own words:
“When I tell others of Erick, I ask that they not look at him and only see a frail man with a 145 pound stature. I ask that they don't look upon him and immediately think of that squirrely acorn collecting thing from “Ice Age”. I also implore you not to look down on him, even when you are literally looking down to speak with him. NO! I implore to treat him like any other man. A man deserving respect! A man who commands your attention whenever he walks into the room! My friends, Erick Allen deserves glory!!”
Erick's life has been a full one, with many adventures along the way. To describe them all would take days, and to select only a few of the highlights would be a disservice to the many deeds and feats accomplished along the way. Instead, we present to you a list of crowning achievements in chronological order and ask that you weigh which event merits the most credit.
Age 0 – Erick emerges from the womb, cross eyed and screaming
Age 6 months – vestigial tail removed
Age 4 – Erick receives his first pair of bifocals. Finally able to see the clown at his birthday party, Erick discovers he is terrified of clowns. Also realizes he is afraid of the vaccum cleaner.
Age 11 – Principal requests Erick shave prior to school picture day.
Age 18 – Mistaken for Hulk Hogan while attending a live event, a pulled-from-the-crowd Erick makes his debut in the WWF. First man eliminated in the ensuing Royal Rumble.
Age 20 – Erick’s first (voluntary) kiss.
Age 25 – Erick takes a year-long furlough from work to finally realize his dream: Complete Super Mario Brothers 1 through 3 in a single sitting without losing one life.
Age 27 – Erick weds the beautiful Allison. An episode of Unsolved Mysteries is produced, questioning Allison’s motives and wondering if Erick used some kind of Yo-yo hypnosis.
Age 28 – Erick files for Professional Engineering reciprocity in Pennsylvania
Age 32 – Erick nearly killed in a freak Thirsty Dog Beer drinking conspiracy
Age 34 – Son Charlie born.
Age 36 – Charlie defeats Erick in arm-wrestling contest
Age 40 – Celebrates being Over-The-Hill by dressing up as Frodo “Underhill” Baggins to attend a midnight Lord of the Rings screening.
Age 47 – Erick finally receives his Pennsylvania PE
Age 48 – Erick joins the Atwell Arsenal and dedicates himself to getting back into the shape of a 36 year old Erick.
Erick's powers are of a much more domestic nature. He is tidy, and he is prompt. Erick's car insurance premiums are as low as they've ever been thanks to his safe driving habits and having signed up for automatic bill pay. HVAC systems bend to his will. No one writes a scathing letter to the editor like Erick. Yes, the Atwell Arsenal's own EA truly embodies the “It's in the game!” slogan.
With a description of what it's like working with today's Tough Mudder of the week, here is Erick's cubemate, Daniel Reginald Jicha, in his own words:
“When I tell others of Erick, I ask that they not look at him and only see a frail man with a 145 pound stature. I ask that they don't look upon him and immediately think of that squirrely acorn collecting thing from “Ice Age”. I also implore you not to look down on him, even when you are literally looking down to speak with him. NO! I implore to treat him like any other man. A man deserving respect! A man who commands your attention whenever he walks into the room! My friends, Erick Allen deserves glory!!”
Erick's life has been a full one, with many adventures along the way. To describe them all would take days, and to select only a few of the highlights would be a disservice to the many deeds and feats accomplished along the way. Instead, we present to you a list of crowning achievements in chronological order and ask that you weigh which event merits the most credit.
Age 0 – Erick emerges from the womb, cross eyed and screaming
Age 6 months – vestigial tail removed
Age 4 – Erick receives his first pair of bifocals. Finally able to see the clown at his birthday party, Erick discovers he is terrified of clowns. Also realizes he is afraid of the vaccum cleaner.
Age 11 – Principal requests Erick shave prior to school picture day.
Age 18 – Mistaken for Hulk Hogan while attending a live event, a pulled-from-the-crowd Erick makes his debut in the WWF. First man eliminated in the ensuing Royal Rumble.
Age 20 – Erick’s first (voluntary) kiss.
Age 25 – Erick takes a year-long furlough from work to finally realize his dream: Complete Super Mario Brothers 1 through 3 in a single sitting without losing one life.
Age 27 – Erick weds the beautiful Allison. An episode of Unsolved Mysteries is produced, questioning Allison’s motives and wondering if Erick used some kind of Yo-yo hypnosis.
Age 28 – Erick files for Professional Engineering reciprocity in Pennsylvania
Age 32 – Erick nearly killed in a freak Thirsty Dog Beer drinking conspiracy
Age 34 – Son Charlie born.
Age 36 – Charlie defeats Erick in arm-wrestling contest
Age 40 – Celebrates being Over-The-Hill by dressing up as Frodo “Underhill” Baggins to attend a midnight Lord of the Rings screening.
Age 47 – Erick finally receives his Pennsylvania PE
Age 48 – Erick joins the Atwell Arsenal and dedicates himself to getting back into the shape of a 36 year old Erick.
(CAUTION - INSIDE JOKE ALERT)
Now in his twilight years, Erick’s body is beginning to break down. His wrists have atrophied to the point that he has to do push-ups from a vertical position, and if he doesn’t get 10 hours of sleep a night he’s barely functional the next day.
For these reasons, the Atwell Arsenal had some initial concerns about Erick’s ability to get ready for the race. As a senior member of the team, his teammates were worried the rigorious “2+ mile” and “weights with the kids” workouts just wouldn’t be enough to haul him through 12 miles worth of rough terrain, mud, and obstacles. That is until Erick showed up for the first team training session at the Volpe Hill on that crisp February day wearing nothing but a Speedo and a spray on tan. Seemingly immune to the cold, Erick plowed through the woods step for step with both his former commando boss and younger teammates. His effort has inspired the office, and caused many to shed a tear.
For these reasons and more, Erick “Clark Kent” Allen will not only survive the Tough Mudder, but will be an inspiration for all come April 14th. Keep your eyes peeled for Erick out on the course, he’ll be the guy whistling the Legend of Zelda theme as he crosses the monkey bars.
Now in his twilight years, Erick’s body is beginning to break down. His wrists have atrophied to the point that he has to do push-ups from a vertical position, and if he doesn’t get 10 hours of sleep a night he’s barely functional the next day.
For these reasons, the Atwell Arsenal had some initial concerns about Erick’s ability to get ready for the race. As a senior member of the team, his teammates were worried the rigorious “2+ mile” and “weights with the kids” workouts just wouldn’t be enough to haul him through 12 miles worth of rough terrain, mud, and obstacles. That is until Erick showed up for the first team training session at the Volpe Hill on that crisp February day wearing nothing but a Speedo and a spray on tan. Seemingly immune to the cold, Erick plowed through the woods step for step with both his former commando boss and younger teammates. His effort has inspired the office, and caused many to shed a tear.
For these reasons and more, Erick “Clark Kent” Allen will not only survive the Tough Mudder, but will be an inspiration for all come April 14th. Keep your eyes peeled for Erick out on the course, he’ll be the guy whistling the Legend of Zelda theme as he crosses the monkey bars.
welcome Erick Allen.
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