Wanted: Saturday Ohio Tough Mudder (Luke Walton Excluded)

With only ten days until the Ohio Tough Mudder, the Atwell Arsenal is releasing an all-points bulletin.

We want you to join the Atwell Arsenal.

First, let's set the stage. A few weeks back the Atwell Arsenal managed to lure one of the season's most sought after free agents, Jenna Beaugrand, to their ranks. Part Wolverine, part Hudson Explorer, and forged on the soccer fields of Ohio, Jenna brought an impressive pedigree to a team that finally had found their ringer. Her acquisition was kept on a strictly need to know basis, a secret weapon to be unveiled at the Quarries, and her mudder profile was kept classified. Jenna's presence also brought the team's dangerously-close-to-forty average age to a much more formidable 36.5 years young. Truly the future was looking bright.

And then one week ago tragedy struck. In a freak kettle ball class training accident, Jenna's ankle buckled beneath her. The medics rushed to her aid. Jenna tried to wave them away and walk it off, but the torn tissue in her ankle would have none of it. Through grinding teeth and eyes too proud to cry, Jenna Beaugrand had no choice but to concede the 2012 Ohio Tough Mudder was out of reach.

And we find ourselves in a dilemma. Her race fee is non-refundable, leaving a poor, off-to-college Jenna down $150 before she buys her first book.

But maybe some good can come from this tragedy. You see, the Saturday Ohio Tough Mudder is now officially sold out, or as we say in the biz “all the body bags have been reserved.” If you'd been putting off signing up, you would have suddenly found yourself S.O.L. But now you can be a hero to your kids, impress your spouse, earn the accolades/looks of disbelief from your co-workers, and send a poor girl off to college with enough cash for a keg of Busch Light and the tap deposit. You can step in and take Jenna's spot. We would prefer if the participant had some history or connection to the Atwell Arsenal, but at this point beggars can't be choosers.

Please comment to this post if you'd like to step up and take the challenge!

However, there is one person we would like to officially un-invite from joining the team. Luke Walton, stay the hell away.

If you're not familiar with Luke Walton, imagine a profession basketball player with the raw athleticism of of your grandmother, the ball handling skills of the family dog, a 4” vertical leap and hands that make soccer players jealous. In other words, Luke Walton sucks.

Most athletes have to be seen in person to be appreciated. Football hits look harder, basketball players jump higher, soccer player's feet are faster live than on the television. Luke Walton is the antithesis to this idea. Don't get me wrong, I never thought he was any good, just rode his father's reputation to a basketball career. But after seeing him “run” up and down the court for his 11 minutes of action during garbage time, struggling for breath harder than he fought for the ball, I concluded we were witnessing one of two things:

Either 1) Luke Walton has severe hay-fever that this glorious early spring is really wrecking havoc on, or 2) this big bucket of shit is a professional athlete making over 5 million dollars a year yet probably couldn't run a mile in under 15 minutes, do 20 push-ups, or go a week without ice cream.

Now I know why Kobe has such an attitude. If the fruits of my labor had gotten stupid Luke Walton a ring, I'd be pissed off too.

So don't bother applying, Luke Walton. Unless you're buying the celebratory food and drinks at the Brew Kettle after the race. Then I guess we can pretend you're not a big tool.