Ohio Tough Mudder - Course Introduction

Even with Spain’s bloody conquest raging around them, Mayan wise men saw to their ancient duty. As smoke rose from the burning jungles of the Yucatan Peninsula the seers looked to the heavens, tracked star patterns, and sought enlightenment from a source we still do not understand today. Their final prediction would become their most famous.

2012, the year of world's ending.

But there was more to their prophesy, a second half. New information has recently come to light, kept in secret for hundreds of years by a still functioning sect of the Spanish Inquisition. The tale of how a time-traveling Tim Russell recovered the documents, fought off a drunken gang of Templars, and indirectly inspired the creation of the polio vaccine is a story for another day. What’s important to note now is that through painstaking research, translation, and good old fashioned jumping to conclusions, the Atwell Arsenal made a discovery.

The second half of the prophesy spoke of a location tied directly to the Mayan's 2012 prophecy. A barren place, scarred and wounded by the hands of man. One where immense suffering would transpire. But those strong enough to survive the forge of suffering would be like tempered steel, and be destined for forever greatness.

Ladies and Gentlemen, we proudly introduce to you the culmination of the Mayan 2012 prophesy and your Ohio Tough Mudder course location, the South Amherst Quarries.

“I have seen the abyss. Rivers alight in flame mark the way. Just west of a great mistake upon a lake. A lone buckeye tree grows within. “ - excerpt from Dante's Inferno, speaking of South Amherst.

South Amherst, derived from the Greek root words for “below”, “hearse”, and “Am hurt”, literally has come to mean death. A fitting place for the End of Day's origin.

There is no stronger evidence of the forthcoming apocalypse/pole shift/meteor strike than this year's weather in Ohio. As October approached, Cleveland residents wisely stocked the pantry and dusted off coats it seemed they'd only just put away. Another winter on the way. Another 7 months of wind chill, lake effect, and iced over power lines. But then something strange happened. Winter never arrived. And now here we are in March, experiencing 80 degree temperatures with negligible humidity. Clearly this is the calm before the storm.

The yawning quarry pits were formed by centuries of rock excavated for predominately one purpose: the construction of tombstones. Legend tells that for each headstone carved from the quarry's rock, the pits of South Amherst demand a life. And as modern safety excavation methods have improved and the average age of a quarry worker going from 11 in the 1840s to 44 in the 2000s, the quarries have been running a deficit. What better way to even the score than to send thousands of yahoos in Tough Mudder gear through a 12 mile circuit of pain, torture, and dismemberment?

The Atwell Arsenal does not go forth to face certain death unprepared. No no. Not only have they been doing extensive Ohio Tough Mudder training, they've also got a few aces up their sleeves. For the last several years their surveyors have performed painstaking field operations in and around the quarries, charting the topography and features of the site, preparing for the Ohio Tough Mudder. In addition, the Atwell Arsenal is being advised in the art of mental calmness and focus by their unflappable Zen master, Thrill.I.Am Boron. “Here’s what you do. Picture in your mind the task at hand already complete, envision its ending,” Thrill.I.Am advises, “and you shall see it to fruition, even as you repeat the Mantra. It’s done. It’s done.”

To conclude our introduction of the quarries, here with his own alternative take on the Mayan prophesy is renowned scholar and historian, Prof. Daniel Poindexter Jicha III:
“The Mayan Civilization is truly only remembered for one reason: Their end of the world prediction. Of course, this is interpreted from their calendars ending on December 2012.

A bit of background for the less informed. The Mayan civilization began in 2000 B.C. and lasted until about 1700 A.D., cultivating a rich culture and belief system. All born into this society were given a specific task, an assigned series of traits to develop if you will. Men could be warriors, collectors and gatherers, cooks, tribal leaders, and entertainers. The women were mainly viewed as sex objects and a way to procreate, though there were exceptions.

A select few Mayans were given the responsibility of keeping track of time, mainly through charting the sun’s path, and observing the location of the stars and moon in the night sky. In doing this, they were able to put together something similar to what we know today as a calendar. This calendar stops in 2012, a little over 300 years after the Mayan civilization was wiped out through war and disease and cultural blending.

Some viewed this as a prophesy for the end of the world. I prefer to call it what it is…..and what it is is simple. Near the close of their illustrious empire’s reign, a tribe leaders turned to a calendar maker and, through a series of clicking noises and whistles, says ‘Hey calendar maker. I think you’ve got enough damn calendars for now, don’t you think? Pizarro’s coming over those hills, let’s go get crunk on fermented Papaya juice.’ And off they went to their nearest stone-stepped pyramid to get hammered drunk and eat bat guano”