After profiling our laboratory bred super soldier and mind reading samurai teammates these last two weeks, it’s time we at the Atwell Arsenal blog shift gears. Today we turn our focus to a member of the team who is more of your traditional, good old fashioned American every-man. One who does not possess super strength and has never worked directly with the President of the United States. One who’s ancestry.com account has no concrete ties to Japan or Sparta. One who, as you know if you’ve been reading since the blog’s inception, is quite susceptible to kidnapping. Ladies and gentlemen – Erick Allen.
Name: Erick Allen
Nick Name: Eric Allen
Mudder Name: Clark Kent
Personality: Anxious
Ability to shout out prime numbers in rapid succession: High
Favorite cat name: Vixen
Car color: Swedish Silver
Currently blackmailing what beer distributer: Thirsty Dog Brewing Company
Anticipated MVP of What Tough Mudder Obstacle: Are there any that involve math?
Favorite Foods: Challah bread, matza ball soup, unleavened bread, bagels, pork-free products
Fun Fact: Successfully owned and operated two coin collecting shops. Sold them because “the hobby was just becoming too commercialized.”
Most memorable quote: “does it have to be a real tattoo…..can it be a dolphin” ?
Most embarrassing moment: see most memorable quote
Somewhere in Ohio a man walks unnoticed down a crowded sidewalk. He's unassuming in appearance, with dark rimmed glasses and green corduroy pants.
Suddenly a sonic boom blast echoes through the sky. In unison, the crowd gasps and ducks away from the dragon/UFO/Commi-nazi fighter jets. All but one man. With the cool, calculated grace of an experienced mohel (sounds like 'soil'), the man in glasses slices through the crowd and ducks into a phone booth. Because whatever city he's in still has those.
Mere moments later a savior bursts onto the scene, streaking across the sky after Godzilla/aliens/Facist-socialists.
“Look! Up in the sky!” shouts a buxom red-head.
“It's a bird!” a wine-o screams, stumbling into traffic.
“It's a plane!” stupidly guesses a paper boy.
No! It's... an Avian Contractor! A duck with a clipboard, hard hat, and megaphone! An extremely inside joke!
And Erick Allen! Standing next to the phone booth! Still in the corduroys. His eyes shifting around nervously, hoping no one saw him hiding.
Name: Erick Allen
Nick Name: Eric Allen
Mudder Name: Clark Kent
Personality: Anxious
Ability to shout out prime numbers in rapid succession: High
Favorite cat name: Vixen
Car color: Swedish Silver
Currently blackmailing what beer distributer: Thirsty Dog Brewing Company
Anticipated MVP of What Tough Mudder Obstacle: Are there any that involve math?
Favorite Foods: Challah bread, matza ball soup, unleavened bread, bagels, pork-free products
Fun Fact: Successfully owned and operated two coin collecting shops. Sold them because “the hobby was just becoming too commercialized.”
Most memorable quote: “does it have to be a real tattoo…..can it be a dolphin” ?
Most embarrassing moment: see most memorable quote
Somewhere in Ohio a man walks unnoticed down a crowded sidewalk. He's unassuming in appearance, with dark rimmed glasses and green corduroy pants.
Suddenly a sonic boom blast echoes through the sky. In unison, the crowd gasps and ducks away from the dragon/UFO/Commi-nazi fighter jets. All but one man. With the cool, calculated grace of an experienced mohel (sounds like 'soil'), the man in glasses slices through the crowd and ducks into a phone booth. Because whatever city he's in still has those.
Mere moments later a savior bursts onto the scene, streaking across the sky after Godzilla/aliens/Facist-socialists.
“Look! Up in the sky!” shouts a buxom red-head.
“It's a bird!” a wine-o screams, stumbling into traffic.
“It's a plane!” stupidly guesses a paper boy.
No! It's... an Avian Contractor! A duck with a clipboard, hard hat, and megaphone! An extremely inside joke!
And Erick Allen! Standing next to the phone booth! Still in the corduroys. His eyes shifting around nervously, hoping no one saw him hiding.
This is not your run of the mill super hero. Erick cannot fly. He can't leap tall buildings even in multiple bounds, and he isn't any faster than an average man. Laser vision? Nope. X-ray vision? Nope? 20/20 vision? Nope. Whether or not he’s bullet-proof is still up for debate, but it’s probably best we don’t test it.
Erick's powers are of a much more domestic nature. He is tidy, and he is prompt. Erick's car insurance premiums are as low as they've ever been thanks to his safe driving habits and having signed up for automatic bill pay. HVAC systems bend to his will. No one writes a scathing letter to the editor like Erick. Yes, the Atwell Arsenal's own EA truly embodies the “It's in the game!” slogan.
With a description of what it's like working with today's Tough Mudder of the week, here is Erick's cubemate, Daniel Reginald Jicha, in his own words:
“When I tell others of Erick, I ask that they not look at him and only see a frail man with a 145 pound stature. I ask that they don't look upon him and immediately think of that squirrely acorn collecting thing from “Ice Age”. I also implore you not to look down on him, even when you are literally looking down to speak with him. NO! I implore to treat him like any other man. A man deserving respect! A man who commands your attention whenever he walks into the room! My friends, Erick Allen deserves glory!!”
Erick's life has been a full one, with many adventures along the way. To describe them all would take days, and to select only a few of the highlights would be a disservice to the many deeds and feats accomplished along the way. Instead, we present to you a list of crowning achievements in chronological order and ask that you weigh which event merits the most credit.
Age 0 – Erick emerges from the womb, cross eyed and screaming
Age 6 months – vestigial tail removed
Age 4 – Erick receives his first pair of bifocals. Finally able to see the clown at his birthday party, Erick discovers he is terrified of clowns. Also realizes he is afraid of the vaccum cleaner.
Age 11 – Principal requests Erick shave prior to school picture day.
Age 18 – Mistaken for Hulk Hogan while attending a live event, a pulled-from-the-crowd Erick makes his debut in the WWF. First man eliminated in the ensuing Royal Rumble.
Age 20 – Erick’s first (voluntary) kiss.
Age 25 – Erick takes a year-long furlough from work to finally realize his dream: Complete Super Mario Brothers 1 through 3 in a single sitting without losing one life.
Age 27 – Erick weds the beautiful Allison. An episode of Unsolved Mysteries is produced, questioning Allison’s motives and wondering if Erick used some kind of Yo-yo hypnosis.
Age 28 – Erick files for Professional Engineering reciprocity in Pennsylvania
Age 32 – Erick nearly killed in a freak Thirsty Dog Beer drinking conspiracy
Age 34 – Son Charlie born.
Age 36 – Charlie defeats Erick in arm-wrestling contest
Age 40 – Celebrates being Over-The-Hill by dressing up as Frodo “Underhill” Baggins to attend a midnight Lord of the Rings screening.
Age 47 – Erick finally receives his Pennsylvania PE
Age 48 – Erick joins the Atwell Arsenal and dedicates himself to getting back into the shape of a 36 year old Erick.
(CAUTION - INSIDE JOKE ALERT)
Now in his twilight years, Erick’s body is beginning to break down. His wrists have atrophied to the point that he has to do push-ups from a vertical position, and if he doesn’t get 10 hours of sleep a night he’s barely functional the next day.
For these reasons, the Atwell Arsenal had some initial concerns about Erick’s ability to get ready for the race. As a senior member of the team, his teammates were worried the rigorious “2+ mile” and “weights with the kids” workouts just wouldn’t be enough to haul him through 12 miles worth of rough terrain, mud, and obstacles. That is until Erick showed up for the first team training session at the Volpe Hill on that crisp February day wearing nothing but a Speedo and a spray on tan. Seemingly immune to the cold, Erick plowed through the woods step for step with both his former commando boss and younger teammates. His effort has inspired the office, and caused many to shed a tear.
For these reasons and more, Erick “Clark Kent” Allen will not only survive the Tough Mudder, but will be an inspiration for all come April 14th. Keep your eyes peeled for Erick out on the course, he’ll be the guy whistling the Legend of Zelda theme as he crosses the monkey bars.
Now in his twilight years, Erick’s body is beginning to break down. His wrists have atrophied to the point that he has to do push-ups from a vertical position, and if he doesn’t get 10 hours of sleep a night he’s barely functional the next day.
For these reasons, the Atwell Arsenal had some initial concerns about Erick’s ability to get ready for the race. As a senior member of the team, his teammates were worried the rigorious “2+ mile” and “weights with the kids” workouts just wouldn’t be enough to haul him through 12 miles worth of rough terrain, mud, and obstacles. That is until Erick showed up for the first team training session at the Volpe Hill on that crisp February day wearing nothing but a Speedo and a spray on tan. Seemingly immune to the cold, Erick plowed through the woods step for step with both his former commando boss and younger teammates. His effort has inspired the office, and caused many to shed a tear.
For these reasons and more, Erick “Clark Kent” Allen will not only survive the Tough Mudder, but will be an inspiration for all come April 14th. Keep your eyes peeled for Erick out on the course, he’ll be the guy whistling the Legend of Zelda theme as he crosses the monkey bars.
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