Future Events And An Official Announcement

Even with race day still over 7 weeks away, some members of the team have already begun pondering what the next adventure will be. And some of our audience has started to think that maybe they’d like to jump in for the next one. So like any responsible Tough Mudder blog, we want to help encourage you to take one on.

The first event on the horizon is Cleveland Marathon weekend, May 19th and 20th. Some of you just dropped your coffee. Trust me, it's not as bad as it sounds. With races ranging from a 5k all the way up to the 26.2 mile monster, there's a challenge suited for just about everyone. Atwell Arsenal team members, if you've ever thought about running a half-marathon this would be a great reason to continue your training after the Tough Mudder and the epic celebratory feast/beer binge .

The next race on our radar is trying out a Warrior Dash. For those unacquainted, a Warrior Dash is like the Tough Mudder’s shorter, Viking-themed, little brother. More specifically it’s a 5k mud run through a dozen or so obstacles. This summer there are two chances to take it on. The first is June 2nd and 3rd about an hour southeast of Columbus. The other option is August 25th at a site halfway between Massillon and Akron, aka right in our backyard. For more info, hit their site: http://warriordash.com Please let me know if you’re thinking of signing up for either or both, and we can start hyping that branch of the Atwell Arsenal as well.

Others are thinking “Screw this road racing and short course events. If these guys can train up and do a Tough Mudder, why can’t I?”

Well you are in luck. In the distant autumn, in far away Maryland, members of the Atwell Arsenal are already after a second helping of the glory to be consumed down in the quarries. On September 8th and 9th Tough Mudder is holding a race in Frederick, Maryland . For those of you without a calendar, that's over 6 months away. You can train to do ANYTHING in 6 months. The best part is Maryland in September will almost certainly be warmer than Ohio in April. Consider that another perk. And lastly, there will be a whole team of us with Tough Mudder tips and wisdom to bestow upon the masses. You'd be stupid NOT to do it!

While discussing the prospect of attacking Maryland next, Tim Russell cited the Tough Mudder tattoo policy of “Tattoos of our logo for anyone tough enough to want one will be available for $70. Send your receipt to info@toughmudder.com and we’ll give you a free entry to a Tough Mudder of your choice in 2012. Customize it by having the event date and location put on–keep adding as you go to record all your epic Mudder adventures”, and wondered aloud if anyone else was thinking of getting inked up.

Erick quickly quipped. “Can it be temporary? Can it be a dolphin?”
After an awkward moment, the team politely requested that Erick sit the next couple of plays out.
Awkwardness and dolphins aside, please consider this post as the official announcement:

In September the Atwell Arsenal will be taking this circus on the road, to Crumland Farm in Frederick MD to take on the Maryland Tough Mudder, and we’d love to have you on the team. Apologies in advance to the entire state of Maryland.

(Note: Not Erick's tattoo.)

Meet the Mudders - Steve Conway!

At long last, it's time for the highlight of everyone's week. Say hello to Steve Conway



Name – Steve Conway
Mudder Name – Vertebrae
Known Immunities – Asbestos, Radiation, Sadness
Favorite Movie – Back Draft, Back to the Future
Ethnicity – Irish by blood, American by adoption, Tough Mudder by choice
Favorite Song – Back in Black, AC-DC
Favorite direction – Lateral. You thought it would be back, didn't you?
Favorite in car positioning: Backseat
Favorite quote: “Conway, it means big sexy in Ireland, but in the States it just means Conway”
If Steve were an amoeba, what’s the first thing he’d do: Grow a back bone
Little known fact: Steve does not give a shit about the Honey Badger. Given the chance, he’ll prove it by completely ignoring that youtube video.
Best At What Tough Mudder Obstacle: Any that don’t involve wedging his enormous lats through a confined space

Today's Mudder of the Week is a triple threat – brawn, brains, and beauty. When he's not knocking out three hours on the rowing machine, he's off on whirlwind adventures throughout Ohio and Pennsylvania looking for asbestos in people’s ceilings and contaminated oil drums in their yard.

Steve had no choice but to grow up tough. The eighth of nine children, Steve's beginnings were humble as the pie bearing the same name. His father, Seamus O'Grady McStewart Conway, arrived on Ellis Island with his small Irish Catholic family, only two mason jars of Guinness and a potato to his name. But using his Conway wits and silver Irish tongue, Seamus traveled from swap meet to swap meet across the USA, and traded his way to a comfortable life for his family.

Potato → Unsharpened pencil
Unsharpened pencil and 1 moldy Guinness → Three left shoes
Three left shoes → Two soiled cowboy hats and a Christmas tie
(editor's note: several thousand trades omitted due to word count limit)
1 Ferrari (red), 10,000 shares of Chef Boy-R-Dee stock, and 1 moldy, nearly solidified, Guinness (half drank) → House with white picket fence, college education for six kids, vocational school tuition for the other three, 1 case expired Slim Fast

Steve and his father always had a tenuous relationship. That is until Nazis kidnapped Seamus, trying to get the noted environmentalist to decode an ancient tome said to hold the key to locating the Holy Grail. Steve pursued his father's captors across the Atlantic, simultaneously battling Nazis and an ancient sect dedicated to the Grail's protection. Spoiler alert, the Nazis shoot Seamus at the gateway to the hidden temple, and Indy... er, I mean Steve Conway... has no choice but to venture inside to save his father. You'll have to Netflix it to find out how the story ends (the traitor girl dies, and you find out Steve was named after the dog).

On another adventure, while environmentalisting through an abandoned building in Cleveland's historic Egyptian quarter, Steve made a startling discovery. Scrawled into the thick black mold coating the basement were irregular yet distinctive markings. Utilizing his photographic memory, Steve memorized the hieroglyphics and their sequence. With the frequent flyer miles racked up during previous adventures, Steve caught a plane to the British Museum to visit the Rosetta Stone.

With his mastery of the ancient Greek language Steve decoded the hieroglyphics and made an amazing discovery: the secret of the pyramids' construction wasn't primitive tools, massive amounts of slave labor, or divine intervention. The true key was the immense back strength of Egypt's people. By Steve's calculations, King Tut would have been able to carry at least two – 6 ton blocks on his meaty shoulders. And like some television infomercial workout program, the hieroglyphics showed how you too could get the back strength you'd always dreamed about with clear step by step instructions.

Steve is now developing his own workout regime, P-Nile-X, based on his discovery. While he's been successful in replicating all the moves, the diet plan is proving tricky; there's just not a reliable source for the locusts, blood water, or raining frogs in the United States. Steve has recently been spotted consulting with Tony Horton -famed Beach Body trainer and P90X creator- on developing a supplement to provide these vital nutrients. Look for “Pharaoh Fuel - Conway’s Max Back Attack” meal replacement bars in stores this Fall, and look for Steve Conway at the Tough Mudder in the South Amherst Quarries on April 14th. He’ll be the one with the huge back, rocking the shake-weight between obstacles.



(Steve Conway - Sun's Out, Guns Out)

The Volpe Hill II - Revenge of Bear Creek

(The Atwell Arsenal assembles for the latest team workout. Volpe Hill hostess, Gracie, leads the team back to the starting gates)

With most of this week's creative juices being devoted to new blog posts, team videos, and race day costume ideas, The Atwell Arsenal came up short in the search for the next team workout location. So due to the fact that over half the team missed The Volpe Hill experience last week, we made the same decision Hollywood does when they're short on ideas. Make the sequel!

The Volpe Hill II – Revenge of Bear Creek





On a crisp February day, as the first flakes of a winter storm began to fall, the returning cast of Bob-O, Jicha, and Justin welcomed Horwich, Conway, and TRuss to the set. Erick had a scheduling conflict with a guacamole-themed project and could not attend, while Tiana's agent advised her to hold out until at least Part III so she could get higher billing on the marquee.

(Bob-O, posing with Horwich, Tim, and Steve. The first timers have no idea what they're in for.)

In terms of sequels, The Volpe Hill II was a complete success.
-It kept the most popular elements from the original, including: hill climbing almost to the point of puking, perilous stream crossings in icy water, and thorn bushes threatening to severe muscles and arteries alike.

-It eliminated the less popular elements. Thanks to a week without rain and Friday's below-freezing temperatures, the climbs had much better footing.

(Tim would later declare the Volpe Hill was “No friend of mine... anyone have some Neosporin”)

-Finally it improved upon certain aspects of the first. We went different route in the valley, thanks to direction from Jicha's dad, and had a longer running section. More cockle burrs meant more carnage.

(Legs cut to ribbons and lungs about to burst, Brian and Jicha share an intimate moment on the hilltop)

And just like most sequels, the ending was almost identical to the original's. Bodies strewn about the hilltop, gasping for air. High hopes of doing 4-6 laps disregarded after 3 grueling out and backs.

But this time, the recovery drinks came in a case instead of just a 6-pack.

Meet The Mudders - Erick Allen

After profiling our laboratory bred super soldier and mind reading samurai teammates these last two weeks, it’s time we at the Atwell Arsenal blog shift gears. Today we turn our focus to a member of the team who is more of your traditional, good old fashioned American every-man. One who does not possess super strength and has never worked directly with the President of the United States. One who’s ancestry.com account has no concrete ties to Japan or Sparta. One who, as you know if you’ve been reading since the blog’s inception, is quite susceptible to kidnapping. Ladies and gentlemen – Erick Allen.

Name: Erick Allen
Nick Name: Eric Allen
Mudder Name: Clark Kent
Personality: Anxious
Ability to shout out prime numbers in rapid succession: High
Favorite cat name: Vixen
Car color: Swedish Silver
Currently blackmailing what beer distributer: Thirsty Dog Brewing Company
Anticipated MVP of What Tough Mudder Obstacle: Are there any that involve math?
Favorite Foods: Challah bread, matza ball soup, unleavened bread, bagels, pork-free products
Fun Fact: Successfully owned and operated two coin collecting shops. Sold them because “the hobby was just becoming too commercialized.”
Most memorable quote: “does it have to be a real tattoo…..can it be a dolphin” ?
Most embarrassing moment: see most memorable quote

Somewhere in Ohio a man walks unnoticed down a crowded sidewalk. He's unassuming in appearance, with dark rimmed glasses and green corduroy pants.

Suddenly a sonic boom blast echoes through the sky. In unison, the crowd gasps and ducks away from the dragon/UFO/Commi-nazi fighter jets. All but one man. With the cool, calculated grace of an experienced mohel (sounds like 'soil'), the man in glasses slices through the crowd and ducks into a phone booth. Because whatever city he's in still has those.

Mere moments later a savior bursts onto the scene, streaking across the sky after Godzilla/aliens/Facist-socialists.

“Look! Up in the sky!” shouts a buxom red-head.
“It's a bird!” a wine-o screams, stumbling into traffic.
“It's a plane!” stupidly guesses a paper boy.
No! It's... an Avian Contractor! A duck with a clipboard, hard hat, and megaphone! An extremely inside joke!

And Erick Allen! Standing next to the phone booth! Still in the corduroys. His eyes shifting around nervously, hoping no one saw him hiding.

This is not your run of the mill super hero. Erick cannot fly. He can't leap tall buildings even in multiple bounds, and he isn't any faster than an average man. Laser vision? Nope. X-ray vision? Nope? 20/20 vision? Nope. Whether or not he’s bullet-proof is still up for debate, but it’s probably best we don’t test it.

Erick's powers are of a much more domestic nature. He is tidy, and he is prompt. Erick's car insurance premiums are as low as they've ever been thanks to his safe driving habits and having signed up for automatic bill pay. HVAC systems bend to his will. No one writes a scathing letter to the editor like Erick. Yes, the Atwell Arsenal's own EA truly embodies the “It's in the game!” slogan.

With a description of what it's like working with today's Tough Mudder of the week, here is Erick's cubemate, Daniel Reginald Jicha, in his own words:

“When I tell others of Erick, I ask that they not look at him and only see a frail man with a 145 pound stature. I ask that they don't look upon him and immediately think of that squirrely acorn collecting thing from “Ice Age”. I also implore you not to look down on him, even when you are literally looking down to speak with him. NO! I implore to treat him like any other man. A man deserving respect! A man who commands your attention whenever he walks into the room! My friends, Erick Allen deserves glory!!”

Erick's life has been a full one, with many adventures along the way. To describe them all would take days, and to select only a few of the highlights would be a disservice to the many deeds and feats accomplished along the way. Instead, we present to you a list of crowning achievements in chronological order and ask that you weigh which event merits the most credit.

Age 0 – Erick emerges from the womb, cross eyed and screaming
Age 6 months – vestigial tail removed
Age 4 – Erick receives his first pair of bifocals. Finally able to see the clown at his birthday party, Erick discovers he is terrified of clowns. Also realizes he is afraid of the vaccum cleaner.
Age 11 – Principal requests Erick shave prior to school picture day.
Age 18 – Mistaken for Hulk Hogan while attending a live event, a pulled-from-the-crowd Erick makes his debut in the WWF. First man eliminated in the ensuing Royal Rumble.
Age 20 – Erick’s first (voluntary) kiss.
Age 25 – Erick takes a year-long furlough from work to finally realize his dream: Complete Super Mario Brothers 1 through 3 in a single sitting without losing one life.
Age 27 – Erick weds the beautiful Allison. An episode of Unsolved Mysteries is produced, questioning Allison’s motives and wondering if Erick used some kind of Yo-yo hypnosis.
Age 28 – Erick files for Professional Engineering reciprocity in Pennsylvania
Age 32 – Erick nearly killed in a freak Thirsty Dog Beer drinking conspiracy
Age 34 – Son Charlie born.
Age 36 – Charlie defeats Erick in arm-wrestling contest
Age 40 – Celebrates being Over-The-Hill by dressing up as Frodo “Underhill” Baggins to attend a midnight Lord of the Rings screening.
Age 47 – Erick finally receives his Pennsylvania PE
Age 48 – Erick joins the Atwell Arsenal and dedicates himself to getting back into the shape of a 36 year old Erick.

(CAUTION - INSIDE JOKE ALERT)
Now in his twilight years, Erick’s body is beginning to break down. His wrists have atrophied to the point that he has to do push-ups from a vertical position, and if he doesn’t get 10 hours of sleep a night he’s barely functional the next day.

For these reasons, the Atwell Arsenal had some initial concerns about Erick’s ability to get ready for the race. As a senior member of the team, his teammates were worried the rigorious “2+ mile” and “weights with the kids” workouts just wouldn’t be enough to haul him through 12 miles worth of rough terrain, mud, and obstacles. That is until Erick showed up for the first team training session at the Volpe Hill on that crisp February day wearing nothing but a Speedo and a spray on tan. Seemingly immune to the cold, Erick plowed through the woods step for step with both his former commando boss and younger teammates. His effort has inspired the office, and caused many to shed a tear.

For these reasons and more, Erick “Clark Kent” Allen will not only survive the Tough Mudder, but will be an inspiration for all come April 14th. Keep your eyes peeled for Erick out on the course, he’ll be the guy whistling the Legend of Zelda theme as he crosses the monkey bars.